Not a drill people. We have reports of 4+ owl attacks at Maplewood Park. The neighboring high school’s gym class has been targeted. This may sound like something from Teen Wolf or Twilight, but make no mistake – owls have talons and your heads are fleshy. State Wildlife have been notified. 

In the meantime, thank your lucky stars this year’s attacks haven’t been from apes with super-intelligence. In another meantime, befriend anyone named Brisby.